Not Sugarcoating

In these teenage years, where everyone is busy finding themselves, their future careers, partners, and friends, you may get lost trying to follow suit. Not everyone is meant to follow along at the same pace. It’s not a reason to beat yourself up. While the people around you change and decide that their changed self does not need you in their life anymore, focus on yourself and watch everything else fall in place. Trust me on this. Real friends never truly leave you. And not every person in your life is meant to stay. Some are just meant to teach you something. Let it be good or bad. You can’t force people to see the good in you. Sometimes you have to let them miss out. The more you find yourself, the more people you’ll lose. Not everyone can handle seeing you blossom in the finest light. Some may distance for their eyes can not take up all of the brightness that you carry around. Just don’t lose yourself. Don’t let yourself change to please the environment you’re in. ‘Cause at the end, when everybody leaves, which they surely somehow will, you’ll be left alone with the version of yourself you never wanted to become. When there’s no one left to please, will you be pleased with yourself? Or will you regret the choices you’ve made? Choose to grow, no matter if you have a crowd of people with you, one person around or not even one. Surely, when you run towards your goals, the things that are meant for you follow. Be yourself, for you are unique, and not everyone is meant to see you shine. Applaud those who stick around to see all your highs and lows. And promise me not to lessen yourself for the comfort of others. You'll thank the people that left you later, for they just gave you space to grow. And remember, when somebody shows you their real colours, it’s not your job to repaint them. A person who truly cares for you will never allow themselves to be put in a position where they could lose you. Accept that it’s their loss and move on to the next chapter of your life. You’re beautiful, in and out, and not everyone is meant to witness that. Prioritise yourself, for you’re the main character of your life. Don’t give up on your story, the side characters weren’t in focus anyways. Carefully write the book of your life and do not dare to hand somebody else the pen. Every line matters.

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Kažu da moja generacija živi online. Stalno smo prikopčani na neku društvenu mrežu. Telefoni su izgubili žice, no ljudi kao da su sad žicom spojeni telefonu. On, slobodan. Mi,

za njega vezani. Pritom, koliko god bila priključena online svijetu, mogućnost da će mi život prisilno biti obustavljen i prenesen na pametne uređaje se nikad nije činila stvarnom. Pa, zašto bi se to ikad desilo? Ljudi cijene živu riječ, a slika osobe nikad neće zamijeniti pojavu iste. Ljepše mi je vidjeti ljude u ćelijama nego u pikselima. Isto tako, mogućnost da ću ikad htjeti da budem daleko od svog mobitela u principu nikad nije ni bila mogućnost. Sve do nedavno. Uistinu, nisam bila spremna za ono što je ova godina pripremila za nas.

Spajam situaciju sa ratnim stanjem. Strašna je, no, okruženi smo herojima, zdravstvenim radnicima. Da budem fer i korektna, u ovoj situaciji svi smo neka vrsta heroja. Heroj koji kupuje namirnice starijima, heroj koji ostaje kući te heroj koji se sjeti staviti masku kad to niko drugi ne uradi. Ne smijem izostaviti heroje zbog kojih sam uspješno završila prvu godinu svog srednjoškolskog obrazovanja, moje profesore. Ideja online škole nije mi bila odbojna, bar na prvu. Ko će da se žali što može da iz udobnosti svoje kuće da završi sve školske obaveze a da pritom na sebi ima i dekicu? Znate što kažu: „Svakog gosta tri dana dosta“. Online-nastava se činila sjajnom prva tri dana pozornog praćenja iste bez redovnog zezanja našeg razrednog klauna. Poslije tri dana čak i njegove fore su mi falile. Njegov mikrofon, međutim, većinu vremena je bio isključen. Mnogo puta smo htjeli utišati ili izgasiti zvuk našem drugu kada priča novi vic koji je čuo, ali sad, proklinjemo dan kada smo to poželjeli. Ne shvatam zašto smo to ikako poželjeli. Ljudi su veoma nezahvalni, shvatam, te nikad ne cijenimo stvari dok ih ne izgubimo. Izgubih i slobodu pa shvatih.

Nisu me kaznili roditelji nit sam išta loše uradila ali sam zaključana u kući. Kao najveći kriminalac koji je vezan za jedno mjesto. Zvučim previše pesimistično, no, petnaestogodišnjakinji kojoj je šesnaesti rođendan proslavljen u karantini nije sve sjajno. Istoj toj kojoj je brat iz daleke Amerike trebao doći za rođendan. Proslavih ga skromno, bez velike pobune. Najveće pobune su, ipak, u mojoj glavi. Njih ne dijelim, širim pozitivu. Unatoč tome što nam svi govore da ostanemo negativni.

Profesori se trude da nam ostane zanimljivo. Unose malonormale u trenutnoj nenormali za koju ne znamo koliko će dugo trajati. Oni, kao i mi, prisilno su se prilagodili digitalnoj školi. Često ljudi grde i vrijeđaju našu Bosnu i Hercegovinu zbog manjka modernizacije. A evo, ipak, naša Bosna i Hercegovina je ovu pandemiju dočekala spremna. Ponosna sam. Da izađem izvan okvira svoje persone te razmislim o dobrobiti svih ljudi u mojoj zemlji, čak bih i pojačala mjere koje su nam date. No, tinejdžer sam i često nerealno vidim i osjećam stvari. Pravilno smo postupili.

Fascinirala me promjena rada mnogih profesora. Koliko god to nekad htjela, ovaj put im ne mogu naći zamjerku. Predavači društvenih nauka sada su vrijeme provodili na kompjuteru, većinom na Microsoft PowerPoint aplikaciji. Vjerujem da su se mučili smišljajući zabavne načine na koje možemo usvojiti novo gradivo. Nisu nas iznevjerili. Nekad se žalim što se profesori ne mogu prilagoditi nama, te često na njih prebacim krivicu loše odrađenog testa. Ako ne na njih, onda na školski sistem moje države. Predmete ne mogu izbrojati na dvije ruke, uvijek mi nedostaje još koji prst. Ne fali znanje, tješim se. Ipak, čak i obrazovni sistem se mijenja. Gubim materijal za žalbe na račun ostalih, sad mogu da se žalim samo na sebe.

Moji profesori, kao i svi odrasli ljudi u mom životu, učili su me da gledam i dobro i loše u situaciji, te se tu ništa nije promijenilo. Još uvijek gledam i ying i yang, samo što uvijek pustim dobrom da prevlada. Online-nastava nije idealna, nit želim da ostanem pri njoj cijeli svoj život. No, naučila me da su ljudi užasno prilagodljiva bića. Što nam je dato, priloženo, izloženo, ako smo primorani, postat ćemo kameleon. Prilagodit ćemo se situaciji, boji situacije. Uklopit ćemo se. Naučila sam da volim živu riječ. Često sam klela žamor u hodnicima dok pokušavam pozorno paziti čas. Prije upisa u srednju školu, razmatrala sam opcije upisa u online srednju školu. Drago mi je da nisam. Često kažem da smo mi tinejdžeri novog, modernijeg doba, te da nam je potrebno što više modernizacije. Mislila sam da će online-nastava biti budućnost mene, pa i moje djece. Uvidjeh da pojavu profesora, predstavu profesora te stav profesora ne mogu zamijeniti kompjuterom. Ljudi ovog doba imaju tendenciju da mijenjaju ono što nije slomljeno, pokvareno. Ne želim da mijenjaju moju školsku klupu. Mala je, slatka, često neudobna ali meni je najljepša. Shvatih to tek nakon što je izgubih. Pišem vam sa svog radnog stola, iz svoje spavaće sobe, privremene učionice. Ova, moja privatna, učionica nije mi se mnogo dopala. Lijepa je, ne želim biti nezahvalna, no drago mi je da je samo privremena učionica. Jedva čekam vidjeti svoju školsku klupu, pa čak i svog najmržeg profesora. Jedva čekam čuti zvuk krede kako piše po tabli, žamor i smijeh učenika koji prolaze kroz pune hodnike moje škole. Ništa ih ne može zamijeniti, nijedan kompjuter, nijedna napredna tehnologija. Ne želim da ih išta zamijeni.

Ovim svojim, pomalo subjektivnim, izlaganjem htjedoh naglasiti važnost ljudi, te pojave istih. Riječi ljudi, te život tih istih riječi. Izložih vam da ne mrzim online-nastavu, te da sam zahvalna što smo imali alternativu. Izložih da, u moru nenormale, profesori su uspjeli unijeti malo normale u naš život. No, također izložih da se povratku školskoj klupi nikad više nisam radovala, te da ću se, od sad do kraja svog života, truditi da obrazovanje ne zamijeni nijedan kompjuter. Moje profesore nikad neće zamijeniti nijedna aplikacija. Privremeno im to mogu dopustiti, ali svoje obrazovanje ne želim predati online platformama. Dugujem izvinjenje sebi i profesorima za svaku kletvu/želju izgovorenu na mojoj prelijepoj školskoj klupi. Jednom poželih da čas pratim sa dekicom i jastukom, pa mi se to ostvari. Nije mi se svidjelo. Poželih, čak, i da školu pratim iz udobnosti svog kreveta. I to mi se ostvarilo, priznajem da mi se nimalo nije dopalo. Poželih i malo duži odmor, te sam ga dobila, a sad kletem i tu želju. Sad mi je jedina želja da se sve vrati u normalu, baš onako kako je bilo. Nadam se da će mi se ta želja što prije ispuniti.

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I wasn't planning on writing such a thing in English as I thought most of my audience understands Bosnian. However, I recently saw that I have so many of my international friends eager to know what actually happened and what's the secret behind my short hair. Is it just my preferred style, or is it something else? Enjoy...

A beautiful spring day. You could know by the sound of birds chirping in the early morning that it would not be a dull day. Each day was getting warmer during the middle of the month, May.

As summer was right around the corner, every day passed with me being anxious about my body figure and wanting to achieve the perfect look: just for summer. I woke up with the intent to go to a lookout, already prepared with a whole efficient plan, me and my friend agreeing to go together. As a matter of a fact, we actually were training at the same fitness coach for one or two weeks now, so going together to a lookout was a super good idea for us both to have a nice day and burn some calories. Everyone we talked to up to that point told us that we should go with our bicycles, rather than walking all the way up the hill. It was a far trip from our neighborhood to the lookout, but the view proved us how easy it was to forget all of the sweat drained by these 3 hours of dragging our bicycles next to us and well, walking up the hill. Fortunately, just after a minute passed of us admiring the lookout view, our very close friends came to the hill. They were with their parents, coming there as a weekend getaway and a fun way to spend time with your family, as any other family should. They walked up to the hill, they had no bicycles, just bare feet. The father of our friends commented on us bringing our bicycles, saying how it was a good idea and how we made a great decision. The rest of the time on the lookout was spent with us talking, joking and laughing at each other, even writing in a little notebook we found on the lookout, which the Hiking community left there just so everybody could write their opinion or even fun stories from the lookout. My friends and I wrote a funny story of our experience, wanting to make people laugh if they ever read it. Once enough time has passed and once my mother had already called me 4 times, we decided that it was time for us to head home. It was a very dangerous road. Curve after curve, bump after bump, going through a forest that had snakes which greeted me whilst I was passing, as well as an undeniably big amount of rocks on the ground. My friend and I were both very hungry so we agreed to rush home, without making many stops. I called my mom, letting her know we were heading home safely, both of us safe and sound. I left my phone in my friend's backpack, it being more secure and having more space. We started going down the hill, having straight roads as well, making stops every five minutes in the beginning, but making the last stop only fifteen minutes before we should've already been home. At that stop, we agreed to not make any more as both of our stomachs were angrily growling at us, both of us being undeniably hungry. I didn't have a proper breakfast and the only thing I really snacked on was a granola bar with some coffee to pair it with. A stupid decision, but we all make those. You could say the thing riding me back home wasn't my actual bicycle, but my hungriness. I didn't drive fast and I always held my break, in case I might start going too fast. BANG!

My eyes are taking a while to open. My eyelids are heavier than before and it's taking a while for me to realize where I'm situated. The lights are dim and there are so many unfamiliar people around me. My first thought was that I am in Bosanska Krupa, my home town. It looked like my town's hospital, very dull and dim, hence me thinking I got a little sick and needed to get checked up at the doctor's. I asked the nurses in the room if I could go home. I had left my house on Sunday without studying or revising Biology and Chemistry, so I had panicked, knowing I had much homework waiting for me back home. Little did I know it was two days after. To be exact, I was in a coma for two days. They put me in a coma so my body could get some rest. Once they told me that I smashed my skull and that I don't have a big bone in my head, I didn't believe them. I asked them to call my mom, me as a 13-year-old child not being able to process anything that was happening in the given moment. I was still under the influence of my anesthesia. I wasn't aware that so much time had already passed and that something so severe and dangerous had happened to me. My mother explained to me that what happened wasn't just a scratch. She told me I had fallen off my bicycle, smashed both sides of my skull and hurt myself really bad. Luckily, my hero, my neurosurgeon, saved me. If only a minute more had passed, I wouldn't be here writing this story for all of you to read. I was in the hospital for ten more days. I thought that once I got home, my life would get back in order. Little did I know I would be on a very strict regime. For 2 months straight I couldn't lay a hand on phone, laptop or television, I couldn't read, draw or color a simple kids coloring book. I couldn't go to school or hang out with my friends the whole summer due to me not being able to expose myself to the sun. It was hard, but look where I am now. I am the strongest girl I know. Even after I got the information of me not being able to do sports and crying over it, I settled my mind and agreed with it. After all, this experience has only made me the strong, independent girl I am now. I wouldn't be here publishing my work if it were the end of me. If it weren't for my tire that got drained, my break that stopped functioning, I wouldn't be writing this. I wouldn't be able to let you learn from my mistakes. So, learn from what I did wrong. Wear a helmet and don't go on a trip to a road u had never explored before. Take care of yourself.

I might have been lucky. Some other person might not be as lucky as I was. I don't want you to look into death's eyes like I did.

Life is like a bicycle ride. You have to keep riding to maintain your balance.

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Dear Kitty,

I don’t feel well tonight. It’s not the first time I’ve felt like this and frankly, it won’t be the last. I’m not good. There’s no point in trying to cover it up. I’m human, a human volcano. I don’t know when I’m going to explode. I find that it is scarier than the actual volcano. Because the pain is inside. The lava that bursts from the natural volcano kills you in the snap of a finger. The lava that is built up inside me slowly kills me. But I don’t let it. I cry. Funny how tears look like water but burn like fire. And like each fire does, it doesn’t give you space to breathe. It takes the oxygen away from you. Yes, the lava comes out, but I don’t die. My cheeks swell up and flush with blood, burn a little bit, but that’s it. Because I’m strong. Even though I can feel them from head to toe, I’ll never let me beat myself.

I’m happy one second and miserable the other. My heart often feels like it wants to jump out from all the pain.. and just break. But Kitty, I’ve managed to keep it in. There’s no pill that can stop your heart from hurting but I fight with my pain. Even though it sometimes builds up. For that, Kitty, I have my trustworthy pillow. It’s soft, from one of those TopShop brands you see on TV. Funny how we all fall for their ads. It works really well. It absorbs each and every tear that drops and makes them less painful. I have one night of turning into a human volcano and my pillow helps me through it. As dumb as it sounds, sometimes nobody understands and the best shoulder for you to cry on is actually yours. Even if you can’t reach it, you have your pillow. Often I fall asleep with my face scarred from all the tears. I wake up and I look in the mirror, smiling, knowing whatever I went through last night didn’t tip me over. And it never will Kitty. Because I won’t let it. But? How do I explain this pain building up inside me? It’s almost like my body is getting weaker and weaker by every thought it produces, making me overthink.. and eventually cry. Silly little tears. Once I explode I can’t feel my organs. Even if I tried to, I can’t explain how much these tears, little to you but enormous for my pain, cause so much of my body to stop functioning. You can’t understand it if you haven’t had any painful night like mine. You can try, but nothing can explain pain but pain itself. I hope you never experience it. I hope you never experience the burning tingles going through your body as your eyes let out more and more pain in the form of tears. So what’s the point of it all? I still ask myself. Why do I experience this much pain? And you ask me who hurt me.. The worst thing is that I did, and I don’t know how to stop. You can’t really stop me, can you? Sometimes your inner demons are more powerful than all of the angels floating above you. But I know, one day, I’ll wake up completely happy. Not one burden on my shoulder, not a rock on my back. Just a floating little fairy. Until then, Kitty, I’ll continue to let it out. Only strong people are brave enough to show their vulnerability. So here I am, showing it. Is it any clearer to you now?

Thank you for listening to me, Kitty. You really let this weight go off my shoulders. I guess I don’t have to resort to the pillow too much anymore. I have you too.

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Moje biciklo udara od banderu, ja bespomoćno padam na tvrdi beton te udaram glavom na kojoj nisam imala kacigu. Kolegica, koja je prošla ispred mene, čeka me pet minuta, samo da bi se vratila da vidi stravičan pogled mene na podu. U roku od pet minuta već sam bila u Domu zdravlja, doktorica me pregledala i poslala za Bihać. U Bihaću vodim svoju bitku za život. Doktor operiše moju glavu koja je imala dvije pukotine. Jedna na lijevoj strani, koja se na kraju sama i riješila, a druga pak na desnoj strani. Pukotina na desnoj strani nije se mogla riješiti, te i dan danas tu imam rupu. Imat ću tu rupu još nekoliko godina, sve do neke druge operacije u budućnosti. Koma, dva dana. Bez svijesti sam, ne znam da li sam sanjala ili sam samo bila prazna, bez misli. Budim se totalno normalno, ne shvatam šta se desilo. Tražim da me vode kući jer nisam naučila hemiju i biologiju, ali oni odbijaju i objašnjavaju mi šta se desilo. Poslije 12 dana u bolnici, puštena sam kući, što sam ja smatrala slobodom. No slobodu nisam imala, ne još tri mjeseca. Zabranjeno čitanje, pisanje, zabranjen mobitel, televizor i laptop. Zabranjeno je sve čime sam mogla naprezati mozak, te sam tri mjeseca potpuno odmarala. Naravno, imala sam prijateljice koje nikad nisu dale dosadi da kroči blizu mene. Ovim putem vam se želim zahvaliti. Svima vama. Pa čak i ako ste došli samo jednom, u moje srce ste unijeli puno sreće. Nikad neću zaboraviti sve vas koji ste me posjetili, koji su se raspitali kako sam, koji su brinuli. Pa čak i ako sam prije nadu u čovječanstvo izgubila, tad ste mi je ponovo povratili. A tebi Saro, posebno želim zahvaliti. Što si kod mene provodila i dane i noći, potpuno zanemarujući sve ostalo. Beskrajno hvala mojim roditeljima koji su uvijek bili uz mene i brinuli da kod sebe imam sve što mi je potrebno. Hvala Bogu što mi je omogućio da preživim ovu smrtonosnu nesreću, pa da o njoj pišem poslije nekoliko mjeseci. Petnaesti april. Slavimo ga kao dan borbe, kao dan pobjede nad velikom silom svijeta. Nije mi žao što se desio. Iako u svakom pogledu imam velike posljedice i iako se nesreće sjetim skoro svaki dan, drago mi je. Ova nesreća je u meni probudila želju za životom, želju za tim da se moj glas čuje. Pa evo, čujte moj glas. Iako sam mala i moći nad svijetom nemam, molim vas, čujte me. Izvucite pouku iz mojih djela, a nemojte ponavljati ono što sam ja uradila. Stavite kacigu i istražite put na koji idete prije nego što odete. Vjerujte, puno je ljepše ići u školu nego sjediti kod kuće cijelo ljeto dok buljiš u prazan, izgašen televizor. Učite iz onoga što sam ja uradila pogrešno. Nemojte da se ponovi, ni meni, ni vama, ni nikome. Ovu nesreću ne bi poželjela ni najgoroj osobi na svijetu, pa iz toga čujte koliko je loša. Znam da imam samo četrnaest godina, ali prošla sam mnogo više stvari nego običan tinejdžer. Nisam obična, nisam posebna. Ja sam samo Farah, ali vjerujte, znam o čemu pričam.
"Smrt me nije prepala, već sam ja nju. Eto baš zbog toga, ona se i ne vraća."

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