Not Sugarcoating: pain

Dear Kitty,

I don’t feel well tonight. It’s not the first time I’ve felt like this and frankly, it won’t be the last. I’m not good. There’s no point in trying to cover it up. I’m human, a human volcano. I don’t know when I’m going to explode. I find that it is scarier than the actual volcano. Because the pain is inside. The lava that bursts from the natural volcano kills you in the snap of a finger. The lava that is built up inside me slowly kills me. But I don’t let it. I cry. Funny how tears look like water but burn like fire. And like each fire does, it doesn’t give you space to breathe. It takes the oxygen away from you. Yes, the lava comes out, but I don’t die. My cheeks swell up and flush with blood, burn a little bit, but that’s it. Because I’m strong. Even though I can feel them from head to toe, I’ll never let me beat myself.

I’m happy one second and miserable the other. My heart often feels like it wants to jump out from all the pain.. and just break. But Kitty, I’ve managed to keep it in. There’s no pill that can stop your heart from hurting but I fight with my pain. Even though it sometimes builds up. For that, Kitty, I have my trustworthy pillow. It’s soft, from one of those TopShop brands you see on TV. Funny how we all fall for their ads. It works really well. It absorbs each and every tear that drops and makes them less painful. I have one night of turning into a human volcano and my pillow helps me through it. As dumb as it sounds, sometimes nobody understands and the best shoulder for you to cry on is actually yours. Even if you can’t reach it, you have your pillow. Often I fall asleep with my face scarred from all the tears. I wake up and I look in the mirror, smiling, knowing whatever I went through last night didn’t tip me over. And it never will Kitty. Because I won’t let it. But? How do I explain this pain building up inside me? It’s almost like my body is getting weaker and weaker by every thought it produces, making me overthink.. and eventually cry. Silly little tears. Once I explode I can’t feel my organs. Even if I tried to, I can’t explain how much these tears, little to you but enormous for my pain, cause so much of my body to stop functioning. You can’t understand it if you haven’t had any painful night like mine. You can try, but nothing can explain pain but pain itself. I hope you never experience it. I hope you never experience the burning tingles going through your body as your eyes let out more and more pain in the form of tears. So what’s the point of it all? I still ask myself. Why do I experience this much pain? And you ask me who hurt me.. The worst thing is that I did, and I don’t know how to stop. You can’t really stop me, can you? Sometimes your inner demons are more powerful than all of the angels floating above you. But I know, one day, I’ll wake up completely happy. Not one burden on my shoulder, not a rock on my back. Just a floating little fairy. Until then, Kitty, I’ll continue to let it out. Only strong people are brave enough to show their vulnerability. So here I am, showing it. Is it any clearer to you now?

Thank you for listening to me, Kitty. You really let this weight go off my shoulders. I guess I don’t have to resort to the pillow too much anymore. I have you too.

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Moje biciklo udara od banderu, ja bespomoćno padam na tvrdi beton te udaram glavom na kojoj nisam imala kacigu. Kolegica, koja je prošla ispred mene, čeka me pet minuta, samo da bi se vratila da vidi stravičan pogled mene na podu. U roku od pet minuta već sam bila u Domu zdravlja, doktorica me pregledala i poslala za Bihać. U Bihaću vodim svoju bitku za život. Doktor operiše moju glavu koja je imala dvije pukotine. Jedna na lijevoj strani, koja se na kraju sama i riješila, a druga pak na desnoj strani. Pukotina na desnoj strani nije se mogla riješiti, te i dan danas tu imam rupu. Imat ću tu rupu još nekoliko godina, sve do neke druge operacije u budućnosti. Koma, dva dana. Bez svijesti sam, ne znam da li sam sanjala ili sam samo bila prazna, bez misli. Budim se totalno normalno, ne shvatam šta se desilo. Tražim da me vode kući jer nisam naučila hemiju i biologiju, ali oni odbijaju i objašnjavaju mi šta se desilo. Poslije 12 dana u bolnici, puštena sam kući, što sam ja smatrala slobodom. No slobodu nisam imala, ne još tri mjeseca. Zabranjeno čitanje, pisanje, zabranjen mobitel, televizor i laptop. Zabranjeno je sve čime sam mogla naprezati mozak, te sam tri mjeseca potpuno odmarala. Naravno, imala sam prijateljice koje nikad nisu dale dosadi da kroči blizu mene. Ovim putem vam se želim zahvaliti. Svima vama. Pa čak i ako ste došli samo jednom, u moje srce ste unijeli puno sreće. Nikad neću zaboraviti sve vas koji ste me posjetili, koji su se raspitali kako sam, koji su brinuli. Pa čak i ako sam prije nadu u čovječanstvo izgubila, tad ste mi je ponovo povratili. A tebi Saro, posebno želim zahvaliti. Što si kod mene provodila i dane i noći, potpuno zanemarujući sve ostalo. Beskrajno hvala mojim roditeljima koji su uvijek bili uz mene i brinuli da kod sebe imam sve što mi je potrebno. Hvala Bogu što mi je omogućio da preživim ovu smrtonosnu nesreću, pa da o njoj pišem poslije nekoliko mjeseci. Petnaesti april. Slavimo ga kao dan borbe, kao dan pobjede nad velikom silom svijeta. Nije mi žao što se desio. Iako u svakom pogledu imam velike posljedice i iako se nesreće sjetim skoro svaki dan, drago mi je. Ova nesreća je u meni probudila želju za životom, želju za tim da se moj glas čuje. Pa evo, čujte moj glas. Iako sam mala i moći nad svijetom nemam, molim vas, čujte me. Izvucite pouku iz mojih djela, a nemojte ponavljati ono što sam ja uradila. Stavite kacigu i istražite put na koji idete prije nego što odete. Vjerujte, puno je ljepše ići u školu nego sjediti kod kuće cijelo ljeto dok buljiš u prazan, izgašen televizor. Učite iz onoga što sam ja uradila pogrešno. Nemojte da se ponovi, ni meni, ni vama, ni nikome. Ovu nesreću ne bi poželjela ni najgoroj osobi na svijetu, pa iz toga čujte koliko je loša. Znam da imam samo četrnaest godina, ali prošla sam mnogo više stvari nego običan tinejdžer. Nisam obična, nisam posebna. Ja sam samo Farah, ali vjerujte, znam o čemu pričam.
"Smrt me nije prepala, već sam ja nju. Eto baš zbog toga, ona se i ne vraća."

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